Afterthoughts about the Blessing of the Sun

I know it's a bit after the fact, and it won't really be relevant again for another 28 years, but this recently came up in a newsletter I received, and I simply had to say something about it.

The Blessing of the Sun (Birkat Hachamah) is a blessing recited once every 28 years, commemorating the work of Creation, and specifically the creation of the sun. It was observed this year, 5769, on the morning of April 8, 2009.

Now, many have noticed that the year number 5769 is not evenly divisible by 28. Dividing 5769 by 28 leaves a remainder of 1. One explanation that has been offered for the discrepancy, which appears to be a traditional explanation, says:

The Sages have already explained to us that during the year of the Flood, the natural order of the world was suspended.

That may be so, but it has absolutely nothing to do with why the division leaves a remainder of one.

A better explanation is simple mathematics, and should be familiar to anyone who remembers the whole debate about whether the Millenium started in 2000 or 2001. (2001 is correct, even though it is not evenly divisible by 1000)

There was no Year 0. In fact, the concept of zero was not a part of human mathematical understanding at the time the Torah was given, nor even at the latest date that the most skeptical scholars believe the Torah was written. The Sun was created in the Year 1.

The first Blessing of the Sun occurred 28 years later, that is Year 1 + 28 years, that is, the Year 29. It occurs again 28 years after that: Year 57, then Year 85, Year 113, and so on, always a number that is divisible by 28 with a remainder of 1 because the remaining 1 is the Year 1, the time of creation, the year that we count from.

I hope this clears things up, because it makes my brain hurt every time I see somebody explain this simple mathematical problem by resorting to the Flood.

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Humorous: College Passover Memories

Yes, this is a true story, but it's a funny true story.

When I was in college, our Hillel had a Passover meal plan. A freshman on the Hillel board (let's just call her "B"), was very eager to cook for Passover dinner: she was going to use this as an excuse to learn her mother's secret matzah ball recipe. Her mother made the best matzah balls ever, and she was determined to learn how she made them. Her mother had promised to tell her the recipe in time for Passover. B told us this many times, and was clearly very excited about it.

When the time came, B prepared herself with a pad of paper and a pen (this was in the dark days before personal computers). She called her mother and asked for the recipe.

"OK," her mother told her, "get a box of Manischewitz Unsalted Matzo Meal..."

B diligently wrote down "1 box Manischewitz Unsalted Matzo Meal"

Her mother said, "The recipe is on the side of the box."

* * * * *
I have been told that this was the plot of an episode of Friends (but with Toll House cookies instead of matzah balls). Perhaps, but it happened to my friend long before Friends -- around 1985. As I recall, B was crushed to learn that her mother's "secret recipe" was just the recipe on the box.

In fairness, my recipe for matzah balls is not very different from the Manischewitz one. In fact, it may not even be as good, objectively speaking, but that's what I'm used to.

For what it's worth: to make gluten-free "matzah" balls, try using spud flakes instead of matzah meal. You have to let this sit for quite a while to thicken before you put it in the boiling broth, but it makes very nice, tasty dumplings.

Happy Passover!

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Christians for Mohammed

A news story I read today reminded me of a little fun I had on a message board about 20 years ago.

I used to participate in an echomail network called ILink (sort of an old-fashioned, pre-Internet newsgroup). One of the groups on ILink was a general religion board, and one day, the conversation turned to the subject of "Jews for Jesus," (J4J) a Christian evangelical group that claims that Jesus is the fulfillment of Judaism, that Jews can convert to Christianity without losing their Jewish status -- in fact, they claim, converts will become "fulfilled Jews."

The gentiles on the board, as often happens, perceived J4J as a legitimate form of Judaism, oppressed by their mean Jewish brothers. The Jews on the board were unable to explain to any gentile's satisfaction that J4J is nothing more than fundamentalist Christianity in a yarmulke, that belief in Jesus as G-d is not compatible with Judaism, that the claim that they were "fulfilled Jews" was offensive to us, and so forth.

And then I got a little whimsical....
I wasn't well-known on that board at that time, and I posted a message proclaiming that I was a Christian for Mohammed. I explained that I was born a Christian, and I would die a Christian, but I had come to understand that Mohammed was the fulfillment of everything in Christianity. Accepting the teachings of Mohammed made me feel more Christian, it fulfilled my Christianity. I proceeded to make a bunch of specific points showing how New Testament prophecy and Christian customs all pointed to Mohammed, and had greater, deeper meaning when understood through the Islamic interpretation. It was all exactly the sort of thing you see in J4J literature -- in fact, I think I cribbed some of it directly from J4J literature. (I wish I still had a copy of that thing... it was one of my better works, right up there with The Evolution of Comedy: Homo Erectus, the first stand-up comedian, though some say he was merely the inventor of the dirty joke...)

Not terribly surprisingly, the gentiles on the board, who had only days before been defending the Jewishness of J4J, promptly flipped out. How could I say I was a Christian? they asked. Why couldn't I just accept that I was a Muslim? they asked. Islam is not compatible with Christianity, they insisted.

Well, the board's moderator, who knew I was Jewish, let it go on for a few days and had a good laugh, but eventually let everybody in on the joke. Suffice it to say, we didn't hear much more about how J4J are really Jews on that board, at least not for a long time.

So what suddenly brought this old story into my mind? Well, it turns out that there actually is a woman who claims to be a Christian for Mohammed!

CNN reports that an Episcopalian minister has been defrocked because she converted to Islam. She saw no contradiction, and wished to remain an Episcopalian minister.

See the full story here: Episcopal minister defrocked after becoming a Muslim

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Jewish Humor: Reuben Kushner, the Jewish Robinson Crusoe

This is the story of Reuben Kushner, the Jewish Robinson Crusoe. He was stranded on an uncharted island for ten years before he was finally rescued.

When his rescuers arrived, they were amazed at what they found. Kushner had built himself only a small, humble home in the trees, but next to it was a magnificent building. "That is my synagogue," Kushner explained. He proceeded to give them the grand tour, pointing out with pride the ornately carved pews, bimah, podium and ark, the kiddush cup, menorah and candleholders, the ner tamid, everything a synagogue could want, all made with his own hands.

As Kushner and his rescuers left his synagogue, the rescuers spotted another, different but equally ornate building next to it. "What is that?" one of the rescuers asked.

"That?" Kushner spat with contempt...
..."That's the other synagogue. I wouldn't be caught dead in that!"

* * * * *

It is a sad but too often true tale of Jewish culture, I'm afraid. If we didn't have a synagogue across the street that was stricter or more lenient or just plain different, then we would certainly have to build one that we could hold in contempt, as Reuben Kushner did.

Jews are often our own worst enemies. In fact, the idea of an international Jewish conspiracy running the world is simply absurd because it is impossible to get two Jews to agree on anything, let alone how to run the world. The plethora of political parties in Israel should give you some idea of how fractured the Jewish community is. In his magnificent (but sadly out-of-print) book, Growing Up Jewish, Rabbi Jack Moline said it best: anyone who is stricter than you is a fanatic; anyone who is more lenient than you is a heretic.

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Jewish Humor: Visiting Tokyo

A Jewish man was in Tokyo on Shabbat, and wanted to go to a synagogue for services. He doubted that there would be a synagogue in Tokyo, but much to his surprise, the hotel concierge directed him to a synagogue not far from the hotel.

The man entered the synagogue and was surprised to see that everyone there was classically Japanese in appearance: the rabbi, the cantor and all of the congregants had typically Asian features. Their pronunciations of the Hebrew service were a bit unusual (Balukh atah... merekh ha-oram), but other than that, the service they performed was just like the one at his synagogue back home.

After the service, the man went up to the rabbi to tell him how much he enjoyed the service.

The Japanese rabbi said to him, "Thank you! Are you Jewish?" The man confirmed that he was. The rabbi said...
"Funny, you don't look Jewish."

* * * * *

This very old joke plays on the fact that everybody thinks they know what Jews look like, but Jews actually have very diverse appearances and other ethnic groups have the physical characteristics that are associated with Jews. Lauren Bacall and Paula Abdul are both 100% Jewish, but don't look anything alike, and most people don't think they look particularly Jewish. The large hooked nose that most people associate with Jews is a Mediterranean characteristic just as likely to be found in Arabs as Jews: consider Jamie Farr and Danny Thomas, who are not Jewish and get their Jewish-looking noses from their Lebanese ancestry.

Another old joke that plays with the same idea:

Two Martians meet up in New York City. Surprised to see one of his fellow Martians on Earth, one introduces himself to the other. "Hi," the first one says, "I'm 854375. What's your designation?" The other Martian says, "I'm 758689." The first Martian says, "Funny, you don't look Jewish."

This one, in addition to playing on the idea of what looks Jewish, adds a play on the notion of Jewish-sounding names: the second Martian's name ends in an "-ein" sound, like the "-stein" suffix found on many Jewish names. Like Jewish appearance, Jewish names aren't always as obvious as they seem. George M. Cohan and Avril Lavigne aren't Jewish, though their names sound very Jewish; Paula Abdul and Hank Azaria are Jewish but their names don't sound it.

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Humor: Christmas

On the morning of December 26, a Catholic boy, a Protestant boy and a Jewish boy were talking about what their families did for Christmas.

The Catholic boy said, "It was wonderful. We all went down to my grandfather's church, and we said mass, and we gathered around the altar and sang Silent Night."

The Protestant boy said, "It was wonderful. We all went down to my grandfather's house, and we gathered around the fireplace and roasted chestnuts and sang Jingle Bells."

The Jewish boy said, "It was wonderful...
...We all went down to my grandfather's department store, and we gathered around the cash register and sang What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

* * * * *
Most Jews don't celebrate Christmas. For those who don't, the everpresent question of "What are you doing/did you do for Chistmas" at this time of year is an awkward one. This joke has some fun with that awkward question.

The joke reminds me of something that actually happened to me many years ago. One of my co-workers was being a little too aggressive in trying to convince me that Christmas was my holiday too, and that I was required to celebrate it. I jokingly created the Jewish conspiracy theory of Christmas: Yes, I told him, Christmas is a Jewish holiday. After all, look at what pulls Santa's sleigh: eight reindeer, plus Rudolph to light the others (like the Chanukkah menorah, which has eight candles and a ninth that is used to light the others). But I explained, Jews celebrate Christmas by selling presents, not by buying them.

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Jewish Humor: Movements of Judaism

Judaism is made up of different movements, different branches that approach Jewish law and history differently. Here is my favorite joke illustrating the differences between the movements. I like this one because I think hits all three movements equally and fairly, whereas some other jokes of this nature seem to hit one movement more than the other.
* * * * *

According to American Lung Association, about 1 in 8 smokers die from lung cancer. The question arose, is smoking equivalent to suicide, and therefore a violation of Jewish law? The question was posed to representatives of each of the major movements of American Judaism: Reform, Conservative and Orthodox.

The Reform rabbis considered the question and concluded...
Yes, smoking is equivalent to suicide, and is a violation of Jewish law. From now on, all Reform Jews will have to make an informed choice about whether or not to smoke.

The Conservative rabbis considered the question and concluded:
Yes, smoking is equivalent to suicide, and is a violation of Jewish law. From now on, all Conservative rabbis will stop smoking. Members of their congregations will do whatever they wish.

The Orthodox rabbis considered the question and concluded:
Yes, smoking is equivalent to suicide, and is a violation of Jewish law. From now on, all Orthodox Jews who want to smoke will have to sell their lungs to a gentile.

* * * * *
The Reform punchline pokes fun at the Reform movement's emphasis on personal choice. If everyone ultimately just does what they feel like, then Jewish "law" isn't really law, and it's a bit silly to even debate what the law is in that movement.

The Orthodox punchline pokes fun at Orthodoxy's propensity for finding loopholes in the law, and selling things is one technique used to create loopholes. For example, within Orthodoxy, it is a routine practice to sell one's chametz (leavened goods) to a gentile on Passover while physically keeping the chametz in your own cabinets to avoid "owning" leaven. Orthodoxy says that it is prohibited to neuter your pets, but some people get around that rule by selling their pets to a gentile, having the gentile neuter the pets, then buying the pet back for the original sale price plus the cost of the neutering.

The Conservative punchline is perhaps the one most likely to get complaints. The Conservative movement claims to respect Jewish law with a few amendments, and the rabbis certainly follow the rules of the movement, but the reality is that many members of many Conservative congregations don't even attempt to follow the law any more than members of Reform congregations do. Of course, many members of Conservative congregations don't like to hear that, particularly not from someone they consider to be ... not Conservative (though I've been a member of a Conservative congregation for nearly a decade now).

Perhaps a better punchline for the Conservative version would be this:
The Conservative rabbis considered the question and passed a resolution saying that smoking is equivalent to suicide, and is a violation of Jewish law, and Jews may not smoke. They also passed a resolution saying that smoking is not equivalent to suicide, is not a violation of Jewish law, and Jews may smoke if they choose to do so. Rabbis of each congregation will decide which of these resolutions their congregation will follow.

As we saw when the Conservative movement addressed the question of homosexuality recently, the Conservative movement can pass resolutions without a majority vote, so it is possible for the movement to simultaneously pass contradictory resolutions. With the homosexuality question, the movement passed a resolution allowing ordination of gay rabbis and the celebration of same-sex commitment ceremonies... but they simultaneously passed a resolution against gay rabbis and a resolution against gay marriages. Local rabbis can choose which resolution to follow.

Here is another joke that has fun with the differences between movements, although many people don't see this joke as equally poking fun at both sides:
* * * * *

A Conservative Jewish man living in Anchorage Alaska bought himself a new Mercedes. He wanted a rabbi to say a brachah (blessing) over it, but there were only two rabbis in town: one Lubavitch (Chasidic Orthodox) and one Reform. He went first to the Lubavitcher rabbi. "Rabbi," he asked, "Can you say a brachah for my Mercedes?" The rabbi said, "I'd be happy to, my son, but tell me: what's a Mercedes?" He said "never mind," and decided to try the Reform rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said to the Reform rabbi, "Can you say a brachah for my Mercedes?" The rabbi said, "I'd be happy to, my son, but tell me: what's a brachah?"

* * * * *
Most Reform Jews can see that this is taking a swipe at their movement, claiming that their rabbis don't even know what a blessing is. But what they usually fail to see is that it is also taking a swipe at the Orthodox: claiming that they are so out of touch with the real world that they wouldn't even know what a Mercedes is (a ridiculous notion, since many Chasidic rabbis do indeed drive very fancy cars!). (and yes, it's true that there are only two synagogues in Anchorage, Lubavitch and Reform!)

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